Today I woke up, feeling blessed as ever. Yesterday, my sister and brother-in-law planned me a surprise 21st birthday event. Let me start off by saying that it is VERY difficult to surprise me because I’m pretty much the mastermind of all surprises. I rock at it. (Hit me up if you need a surprise party to be thrown). Anyways, I walk into my backyard with a great variety of friends. To those who showed up- I am so grateful for your presence. And to those who brought me a little gift; it meant the world. I don’t think I have received birthday gifts for years now.
I’m kind of still in shock that this happened. I don’t know why, but it means SO much to me. I just can’t stop repeating my grateful thanks to this grand gesture. I don’t think I’ve ever been showered with so much love.
'Tis 2am and I'm just sitting here. Just finished complaining to Lawz about how it sucks being a girl because of all the things we do to make ourselves look good. Gotta do the hair, makeup, outfit, nails, shoes, and a whole bunch of other things that I can forever complain about. I don't know, this stuff should be fun to me, but it's not. I view it like a chore. A chore I have to do everyday because I would feel disgustingly ugly without it. I guess the main topic I'm trying to get at is the concept of makeup. I struggle with it. I resisted it until recently. Started wearing it on the daily during mid second year of college. I want/like to wear it cause it makes me look all pretty. I don't want to wear it because I feel like it cheats the system. Maybe a pretty girl who's all dolled up will get extra chocolate in her frappe or earns better tips at a restaurant. But what about the next girl who isn't as well groomed as the first? She'll get treated differently and that's not fair.
Maybe I often (in too many situations) play the victim. I think it comes with that heavy weight I’ve carried over the years of being insecure. It haunts me. I think I’ve gotten better this past year, but the feelings are still there. Even if Ryan Gosling came up to tell me I was the most beautiful girl in the world, I’d probably say shut the fuck up or something.
I think this idea triggered because I got my new license in the mail and I look horrible. Reminds me of how unphotogenic or fugly I am. Or how the DMV sucks at taking pictures. Fuck the DMV.